Should i Cry?

I have been lying about my feelings. it is now hurt me deeply. i tot that i was so strong. but in the end. i weak. i became weaker n weaker.

I lost my Dad on 16 Oct 2010. He passed away in front of me. untill now i am quite shocked about it. That was my 1st time feeling d stop nerves. Seeing how those "malaikat maut" menarik nyawa ayah from his body. i m totally freak out!!.

I always keep these memory inside. i m shocked . but i am thankful that ayah passed away with all of us were beside him.

The whole family is still mourning & gloomy until these days. while me. i had tough going thru all this. even my friends came to visit and gave me support. i still feel so broken and something was missing. But i am thankful for my friends which plays the supportive part. i adore you guys. even my sis sharina came to give support to me n my famili.Thanks Akak. Thanks for being here & hug me. really Appreciate it a lot. you know you mean the WORLD to me .

Awhile after. Those loss feeling is hurting deep inside, i dunno wat , how ,when i would be better. i feel HURT!. I get lost in many ways.i screw up many times. my life became slower than never. even how much i tried i failed. gloomy mourning is surrounding me. i start to feel the HEAT of depression. i became more sensitive inside. i feel alone. i feel useless. those the negative facts are sticking w me.


People keep saying "Sabar2". It's how they concern to us. but personally i get more hurt when i m listen to it. Might the words " Redha" is the magic words for me.it just more magnificence random words that i learned to get used to it.

Today!.

The loss that i feel is So BIG for me!!. I had tremendous LOSS just for this year . It was just not my father , but i loss some important people in my life. i dunno how to cope out with all these loss happened in just month after month skaligus.

I survived before , but why cant i survive Now?. Why cant i pass this phase with peace of mind.

I dun want to sccreww up again. n again. If i do.I m sorry. i never meant to do that . i swear.

maybe i should just cry. because i hold the tears for such along time. But everytime i tried to cry, the tears seems degil to fall down.

Obviously, i dunno what actually happening to me at the moment.

Dear Lord , Grant me the strength that i need.